Updating

Hey you guys...



Well, it's been a LONG time since I've last posted, so I thought you deserve an update.

There are a couple of things troubeling me right now. I won't tell everything in exact detail, but there are about 2 things I want to tell alot about...

So, school's over right now, but I wouldn't say I'm happy in my vacation... Why not? Well..

1: Home isn't really the place I want to be right now
2: I've got problems so it's not very nice to sit at home and have nothing to do but think about those things
3: I'm having problems with a person I care so very much about...
4: I have to go to a pshychatrist...


Let's start off with number 1:

The bond I have with my parents isn't something to write to home about...

I can't really communicate with my parents, my dad acts really weird towards me... He commands me around and I have to do everything in and around my home. I can't talk to my mother or father about things that are troubeling me in and outside the house, and that is really frustrating... Because I do think that your parents should help you through your hard times, and everysince I can't go to them... Who do I have to go to? My friends you would say.. well they're kindof ignorant... so that is not an option... I do have 1 person I can talk to and I do, but she doesn't replace my folks...

Well, I think that takes care of problem number 1.



2: The problems I'm talking about are... well I don't want to say severe, but they are.
The biggest problem is with some dudes, and this is one of the things I really do not want to tell. So I won't give you any details. I've had a "Bad Boyfriend" in the past and I still have problems with it. Some stuff happened and he's in jail now because I went to the police. Some really bad stuff happended after that, and I still don't feel really safe on the street. I am confronted with this problem almost every day... When I'm at home, I can't help it but sometimes it just poppes into my head, and I think about it. I think about what i've could've done diffrently. Who I should talk to about this, because I've tried to forget about it, and it worked for a while, but it doesn't work for me anymore, I want it OUT of my life, and I never want to think about it again... But in my room... although nothing has changed to my room when I was in that period, I'm still reminded, I see where I was sitting when things happened, I see how I was crying on my bed at night, I see how I hold onto a pillow, or my Teddybear, when I was scared, or when something had happened again... And it breaks me up to see those things...
The only place I used to feel comfortable in my home is now starting to feel strange, and threathaning... And I wonder where the place will be where I will be comforted, and feel safe...

My friends... yeah... well they really are ignorant, there is only one person who sees when things are wrong with me, and it's not even the friend who I've know for 7 years... It's the person I've known for 5 years, but the last 2 years we've gotten closer. But the others are just... Long live joy and forget everything bad. Well, you CAN'T forget the bad things in life, not even if you try very hard. And they just can't seem to understand that.
I hate the way most of my friends are afraid of the bad things in the world and choose not to see them... I do believe that problems that you face can only make you stronger. But I'm afraid that something might happen to them, and because they always ignored the bad things in life they wouldn't know how to handle the problems they will be facing...

So... that's a small part of problem number 2, but I've told you I wouldn't give details...

Problem 3: The person I care about...
well it's actually very simple... I've lied to her... multiple times... And everytime she gave me another chance but... I did it again... every single time. And I'm just so MAD at myself, I know that I care about her, so I don't get myself, why did I keep lying to her?
I think before you guys know what's exactly going on I need to tell you about my relation to her... Well, I'm in love with here, and we kindof were together but not really... It felt like that but it wasn't official... I had such a great time whenever I was with her. And she helped me with a lot of my problems, and whenever I was with her I felt comfortable and safe. I felt better then I could've ever felt when I was at home. She is the only person who I care so much about who was able to make me cry... for example when we desided things couldn't go on... I cried in her arms for an hour, and everything came up... I was able to be scared in her arms, be happy in her arms... feel sad in her arms, and she was able to make me feel better...
That is the reason why I don't understand why I lied to her... I think it was because I don't want her to me mad at me... When we had a fight I asked her... How can I "Win you back" And she said, well you could write me a song. So I did... And when I saw her I was to afraid to sing it to her... And to be honest I regret not singing it to her, but I know if I get another chance to sing it to her, I'll still be scared.

It's just f*cked up because I love her so much.... and I care so much about her... I've started to write a poem... But I can't finish it because I'm stuck. But when I do finish it I'll give it to her. And I don't expect the poem to clear up things, because one poem doesn't make up the mistakes that I made...
Right now, I feel so bad... I hate to be in a "fight" with her. I can talk about everything with her, and I just feel like I've lost a buddy... A friend... A loved one... A lover... And so much more.
And to be honest, that's the biggest issue for me right now. And it tears me up inside that I could've so easily avoided this situation... I could've just been honest with her.

It's all my fault... I mean, she never lied to me, and she was always honest with me. And then I f*ck things up with lying to her...
Sometimes it seems that... whatever I say, to try to explain my actions or whatever... It just tends to make things worse, and I hate that. I hate the fact that apperantly I don't know what's best to do, or what's best for her. Because I care about her and I love her. And I never EVER want(ed) to hurt her... but I did. And it makes me feel... bad.
I could go on forever talking about this... But I just want things to be okay between her and me...
I never cared more about a person than I do about her, and then I ruin everything...

4: the psychiatrist thingy...
Well, looking at every problem I've described before, and not beiing able to communicate with my parents it seems obvious why I should go to a pshychiatrist right? I went to my class head, and he told me to come see him the next day. So I went, and told him about everything... my parents, school, my friends. And after a couple of meetings he told me the smartest thing to do is to go to a psychiatrist. The only thing I needed to do, is tell my parents... *joy...* So, when he told me that I should tell my parents it was about... 4 weeks ago... Guess when I told my Folks...
Yesterday. And my mom was kindof cool about it. She said that there is nothing wrong with it. She said it might be good for me and bla bla bla.
The reason why I don't like talking to my mom is because what could've been a 5 min. talk always turns out to be a 15 minute talk... I don't want to dig deeeeeeep into everything. And especially not with my mom...

Well... Guess you guys are kindof updated. And I just hope my vacation away from everything here will help me to straighten things out for myself...
I'll update you guys as soon as possible... And because it's school holiday, I hope I'll be able to update my blog more.

Love,
Denise