Heya guys,

Well, here I am, in my room, with little eyes wich are tired of reading line after line, trying to memorise every phrase and word. Yes, the testweek has begun again... *joy-_-''* Anyway, today I had Geography and English. I suppose I've passed them.
So, I sat there in the classroom, finished with my test and I look straight ahead, and what do I see? The girl that sat in front of me was picking her nose, no no, not picking she was sticking her entire finger up there!!! And then, when she was finished, she examened it more closely, it's shape, size, coulor and I don't know what else, she was entriqued by it. And then... she ate it, and I almost screamed. It was so disgusting, and the worst part was her face, she actually enjoyed it. She sat there with closed eyes, moving her jaw, you could see her tounge pressing against her cheek in search of the free dinner take away she just picked out of her nose.

Thought I'd share that with you :P
So, I'm learning yes, hard to imagine isn't it. Worst thing is, I can't focus...
Yeah, here come the problems again.
Why can't I focus? Because I figured something out. In the last post I wrote I said that something was the matter but I couldn't figure out what. Well, I THINK I know... And I think it is that I miss my ex alot... I just miss to speak with her and, just laugh with her and be around her. And, I'm jealous, I thought that I was over her, but I'm not, and I still can't stand the fact that she kisses somebody else now. God I sound like a stalker... But seriously, I just miss her being a part of my life, it feels like... she's too busy with the other girl... wich is logical ofcourse! And she didn't forget about me because she called me last night *something I should've done erlier...* I just miss the rides on her bike, the places we used to go, or just lie in her bed watching films... And it feels like the only way I can get rid of this feeling, is to look for somebody else.

Question is: If I find somebody else, will I start a relationship with them just for the replacement, or for the fact that I really like her, and want to be with her. I need to sort out my life.
Sometimes I wish I was 10 years older. And just have a job, a house and a nice girlfriend and wouldn't have to worry about anything else and just grow old with her...

Kay, It's getting way to depressive now
Oh en P.S. I've got a date on tuesday so I'll let you know how things went.

See ya next time!

The great big rollercoaster of life.

Hey!

Well, I don't know how to start this off but... I'm broken, still not feeling comfortable at home.
It really sucks, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING anymore, and I just feel empty...
Why? Well, my "relationship" is over. She met someone else.

It's just so weird... one day things are going great and it's fantastic to be with her, and the next... it's over. I never felt like this before, every "relationship" *wich was always like a week* wasn't so serious.
Sigh, I feel like I need to talk about it, but almost nobody understands it or thinks that she is just dumb and stupid for doing such a thing to me, and even after I explained the situation they still don't understand. I found one person who does understand me and who knows that when I get into a relationship I want to make that person happy, and nothing more. And if she is happy now with that other person, that also makes me extremely happy! But still, it feels like there still is something that I can't describe and is bothering me so much.

I've already seen them togheter... on the webcam, and it brought a tear to my eye. I just saw them smiling at eachoter, and... you could just see that they were so happy together! They were like... beaming happyness into the room. It kinda hurted, knowing that I would've never made her that happy.
Sigh, look at me just babbeling about love, and broken hearts, and making people happy :P
Even now, I thought that it might bring some relief to me, now that i've written all this down, but I still feel like something is bothering me... And I just can't figure out what. I need to see her, and I miss her so much... You know, when you haven't seen echother for a while, and when you hug, you smell their smell, feel their arms wrap around you... All those little things, even the slightest glimp that she could give me I miss...

Well okay... If I continue I might burst into tears so... Let's get this over with.
Did you guys ever think about... running away? Things are so f*cked at home, my mom yells at me, I yell at her. Dito for my dad... What the HELL am I still doing here? In this household, I'm cinderella and everybody is my evil stephmom.
Any advice anyone? Cause it's welcome

Well... I keep saying that i'll update more regularly and this time i'll try to do it.

Big hugs
Denise

Updating

Hey you guys...



Well, it's been a LONG time since I've last posted, so I thought you deserve an update.

There are a couple of things troubeling me right now. I won't tell everything in exact detail, but there are about 2 things I want to tell alot about...

So, school's over right now, but I wouldn't say I'm happy in my vacation... Why not? Well..

1: Home isn't really the place I want to be right now
2: I've got problems so it's not very nice to sit at home and have nothing to do but think about those things
3: I'm having problems with a person I care so very much about...
4: I have to go to a pshychatrist...


Let's start off with number 1:

The bond I have with my parents isn't something to write to home about...

I can't really communicate with my parents, my dad acts really weird towards me... He commands me around and I have to do everything in and around my home. I can't talk to my mother or father about things that are troubeling me in and outside the house, and that is really frustrating... Because I do think that your parents should help you through your hard times, and everysince I can't go to them... Who do I have to go to? My friends you would say.. well they're kindof ignorant... so that is not an option... I do have 1 person I can talk to and I do, but she doesn't replace my folks...

Well, I think that takes care of problem number 1.



2: The problems I'm talking about are... well I don't want to say severe, but they are.
The biggest problem is with some dudes, and this is one of the things I really do not want to tell. So I won't give you any details. I've had a "Bad Boyfriend" in the past and I still have problems with it. Some stuff happened and he's in jail now because I went to the police. Some really bad stuff happended after that, and I still don't feel really safe on the street. I am confronted with this problem almost every day... When I'm at home, I can't help it but sometimes it just poppes into my head, and I think about it. I think about what i've could've done diffrently. Who I should talk to about this, because I've tried to forget about it, and it worked for a while, but it doesn't work for me anymore, I want it OUT of my life, and I never want to think about it again... But in my room... although nothing has changed to my room when I was in that period, I'm still reminded, I see where I was sitting when things happened, I see how I was crying on my bed at night, I see how I hold onto a pillow, or my Teddybear, when I was scared, or when something had happened again... And it breaks me up to see those things...
The only place I used to feel comfortable in my home is now starting to feel strange, and threathaning... And I wonder where the place will be where I will be comforted, and feel safe...

My friends... yeah... well they really are ignorant, there is only one person who sees when things are wrong with me, and it's not even the friend who I've know for 7 years... It's the person I've known for 5 years, but the last 2 years we've gotten closer. But the others are just... Long live joy and forget everything bad. Well, you CAN'T forget the bad things in life, not even if you try very hard. And they just can't seem to understand that.
I hate the way most of my friends are afraid of the bad things in the world and choose not to see them... I do believe that problems that you face can only make you stronger. But I'm afraid that something might happen to them, and because they always ignored the bad things in life they wouldn't know how to handle the problems they will be facing...

So... that's a small part of problem number 2, but I've told you I wouldn't give details...

Problem 3: The person I care about...
well it's actually very simple... I've lied to her... multiple times... And everytime she gave me another chance but... I did it again... every single time. And I'm just so MAD at myself, I know that I care about her, so I don't get myself, why did I keep lying to her?
I think before you guys know what's exactly going on I need to tell you about my relation to her... Well, I'm in love with here, and we kindof were together but not really... It felt like that but it wasn't official... I had such a great time whenever I was with her. And she helped me with a lot of my problems, and whenever I was with her I felt comfortable and safe. I felt better then I could've ever felt when I was at home. She is the only person who I care so much about who was able to make me cry... for example when we desided things couldn't go on... I cried in her arms for an hour, and everything came up... I was able to be scared in her arms, be happy in her arms... feel sad in her arms, and she was able to make me feel better...
That is the reason why I don't understand why I lied to her... I think it was because I don't want her to me mad at me... When we had a fight I asked her... How can I "Win you back" And she said, well you could write me a song. So I did... And when I saw her I was to afraid to sing it to her... And to be honest I regret not singing it to her, but I know if I get another chance to sing it to her, I'll still be scared.

It's just f*cked up because I love her so much.... and I care so much about her... I've started to write a poem... But I can't finish it because I'm stuck. But when I do finish it I'll give it to her. And I don't expect the poem to clear up things, because one poem doesn't make up the mistakes that I made...
Right now, I feel so bad... I hate to be in a "fight" with her. I can talk about everything with her, and I just feel like I've lost a buddy... A friend... A loved one... A lover... And so much more.
And to be honest, that's the biggest issue for me right now. And it tears me up inside that I could've so easily avoided this situation... I could've just been honest with her.

It's all my fault... I mean, she never lied to me, and she was always honest with me. And then I f*ck things up with lying to her...
Sometimes it seems that... whatever I say, to try to explain my actions or whatever... It just tends to make things worse, and I hate that. I hate the fact that apperantly I don't know what's best to do, or what's best for her. Because I care about her and I love her. And I never EVER want(ed) to hurt her... but I did. And it makes me feel... bad.
I could go on forever talking about this... But I just want things to be okay between her and me...
I never cared more about a person than I do about her, and then I ruin everything...

4: the psychiatrist thingy...
Well, looking at every problem I've described before, and not beiing able to communicate with my parents it seems obvious why I should go to a pshychiatrist right? I went to my class head, and he told me to come see him the next day. So I went, and told him about everything... my parents, school, my friends. And after a couple of meetings he told me the smartest thing to do is to go to a psychiatrist. The only thing I needed to do, is tell my parents... *joy...* So, when he told me that I should tell my parents it was about... 4 weeks ago... Guess when I told my Folks...
Yesterday. And my mom was kindof cool about it. She said that there is nothing wrong with it. She said it might be good for me and bla bla bla.
The reason why I don't like talking to my mom is because what could've been a 5 min. talk always turns out to be a 15 minute talk... I don't want to dig deeeeeeep into everything. And especially not with my mom...

Well... Guess you guys are kindof updated. And I just hope my vacation away from everything here will help me to straighten things out for myself...
I'll update you guys as soon as possible... And because it's school holiday, I hope I'll be able to update my blog more.

Love,
Denise